Of Dark Value

Hello. This is my first post of 2019, after the last 11 month. Nobody read this tho. So I shouldn't be bothered. 

I realized that being almost 23 this year was a hell roller coaster ride. One time at the top, another time was falling hard. Things gone wrong as always and it was such a waste to cry about them. I was all over myself, sometimes I thought I was already hurts everyone, and I did.

I settled down school by accepting the facts that I need to settle down in few years more while be friending with all boys, as I am the only flower. Being around them, I realized that I actually could talk about random things as a fun thing, and being rough would not be a matter when talking. Rough by this means that you just talk whatever you wanna talk about your gang without any hurt feelings.

I was astonished with those things over a year and half now. I am used to it. Sometimes, I took the jokes just as jokes. Most of the time actually. But some jokes were not suppose to be jokes. Being with them, jokes are jokes even that jokes aren't supposed to be jokes.

I am used to it now.

And people, as people always said that people always comes and goes. No matter how good you are, if they don't wanna stay longer, they leaves. I see a new me in this 2019, and I realized that I am more darker than last year, and I started to see them leaving one by one.

My main problem was I just stay there and see them leaving one by one. I don't know. Sometimes, deep down I don't even want this new me. Or maybe, I am always a dark version of me all the time, but I am insist that I am only darker now.

Aslan once said to Edmund when he just came back from White witch's detainee "You doubt your value, don't run from who you are."  I guess my value is what makes everyone leaves. Or maybe I was the one who make them leaves.


I don't know. I just missed them. I can't continue.

I see you when you see me.



Love,
Na